Well, I guess I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this entire project has not born fruit as I had hoped that it would. Tomorrow will mark the end of the 17th week since I began. Today the arbor project was canceled - just as I was about to prepare the final contract proposal. I remained optimistic, but the client apparently got cold feet somewhere along the line.
I was grateful for the opportunity, and believed that it would lead to my setting up a business. I could see how it would lead right to doing The Jewel as a natural progression. So I'm confused. I don't know where to go from here, but that is nothing new. I will simply ponder and pray, and see what comes to mind. I have paid tithing, endeavored to keep the sabbath, and striven to be grateful for what I have. Perhaps I have not been grateful enough.
I suspect that each of my children believes that he or she knows what I should be doing at this point - getting a job, basically. Not one of them has come to me and said, hey, is there anything that I could help you do? I believe that my bishop and other church leaders would say the same thing (they already have): Get a job. So, I suppose that is what it has come to - getting a job.
I have endeavored to use my talents to create opportunities - through the Rosson model and the arbor designs. I have worked long and hard for the past four months. It would appear that nothing has come of my efforts - while much has been learned, and much experience has been gained. I just don't know where to go from here, but I will give this some thought. I'll retire early, and arise early tomorrow.
I am happy to say that in spite of my disappointment, I am optimistic and grateful. I do not know what I have done that has resulted in my not being able to find work or generate income. This entire project was based on the notion that being true to one's self , and pursuing the music that stirs one's soul is the way to peace and fulfillment, and prosperity. Somehow, that has not proven to be the case.
Is it my unwillingness to do work of any kind that has prevented me from finding work of any kind? (That would seem to be obvious on the surface.) At one point Jan and I were going to look into driving motor homes, but it appeared that one could hardly survive doing it. On the other hand, if I could travel around and do models of great buildings while driving, that could be good. We might enjoy doing that together, but it wouldn't necessarily allow Jan to pursue her dreams - whatever they might be.
In terms of the Law of Attraction, it would appear that what I am attracting or getting back is no interest in what interests me. That then, must be what I am giving out. I must be so focused on what I want that I do not care about the wishes and aspirations of those around me. I am apparently not concerned with, nor am I doing anything about the things that interest others. In a word, I'm being selfish.
That is not a comforting thought, but one that I must face and analyze. Whatever the cost, I must learn the truth. It would certainly seem that the cost of not knowing it is much higher. There may be little for me to lose.
Sincerely,
Tom Ballantyne
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